


Of hounds and leashes

by Sattar



Category: Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Atton's POV so a lot of petty bickering, F/M, It was supposed to be pure fluff, Sarcasm, and Atton being frustrated that the Exile still hasn't ripped his bodice off, and some war trauma of course, both for the Jedi and people they use it on, but it slipped into discussion on effects of using the Force, i just wanted my Exile to adopt a puppy, pinning and self-loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23637229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sattar/pseuds/Sattar
Summary: The Exile rescues a dog and banters with Atton, but because this is kotor2, it had to include arguments about mercy, redemption and the ethics of using the Force on other people.____________Sometimes the realization of how helplessly you are in love hits you like a Mandalorian Dreadnought with quad laser cannons. For normal people it probably happens when they kiss their lover at sunset or something equally romantic. For Atton, it was the moment when he was fighting off the dog-sized bats in the desert of Korriban, and the calf-sized dog jumped at him from behind a rock, and instead of splicing it in half with the saber like he was going to, he let it bit his fucking leg, and all because Asa screamed “Atton, don’t hurt him!”
Relationships: The Jedi Exile/Atton "Jaq" Rand
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	Of hounds and leashes

Sometimes the realization of how helplessly you are in love hits you like a Mandalorian Dreadnought with quad laser cannons. For normal people it probably happens when they kiss their lover at sunset or something equally romantic. For Atton, it was the moment he was fighting off the dog-sized bats in the desert of Korriban, and the calf-sized dog jumped at him from behind a rock, and instead of splicing it in half with the saber like he was going to, he let it bit his fucking leg, and all because Asa screamed “Atton, don’t hurt him!”

And the worst part was that he had a huge hound hanging on his calf and he still swirled around to see if she’s okay first.

Asa was running up to him, looking very concerned. Behind her back, Mira was trying to fight off the swarm of bats with the lightsabers she wasn’t good at using yet and so being completely overwhelmed.

Asa waved her hand and suddenly the hound released Atton’s leg and went slack.

“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay, you’re safe now, I’m here,” the Jedi said sweetly and Atton’s brain short-circuited until he realized she was talking to the beast as she knelt next to it. “Here, here, good boy... So much easier with the Force.

_ Scratch that, *this* is the worst part. _

“What the fuck are you doing?!”

“Don’t worry, I’m holding him with the Force,” she said like it was a valid explanation and not a complete insanity. “He didn’t want to kill us, he was just spooked by the fight.”

The hound sat still, its head kept low and long tail that ended in a huge spike swinging nervously. It was big and dark, with dull crimson eyes, its hide looked rough and scaly under the dirt, and it had weird glowy tentacles hanging from under its long snout, like it was chewing on a squid. It was the ugliest dog Atton has ever seen.

“I’m with Atton here for once,” Mira said, having finally killed off all of the bats. She walked up to them, cradling her injured arm. “What the fuck?”

“It’s one of the dogs from the Sith Academy. He was being trained to be an attack hound, but these idiots couldn’t hold him and he ran away. He only attacked us because he was scared.”

Atton opened his mouth to argue, but choked on it when she reached out her hand to the beast.

“But you’re a good boy, aren’t you? You were just scared, but now it’s okay, you’re a beautiful baby boy.”

The hound tentatively sniffed on her fingers. It was taller than Asa as they sat next to each other, and definitely much spikier. It had a crest of long spikes angled back, presumably to protect the neck, and a ridge of smaller spikes running along its spine. At this point it was probably closer to porcupine than a dog.

“Unbelievable,” Mira said, folding her arms.

“No, completely believable,” Atton growled, ”saving a goddamn Sith killer beast is exactly what Asa would try to do.”

She looked up, met his eyes and smiled, widely and unashamedly. It was the kind of smile that left you with a hollow yearning in your chest that nothing could fill and trying to follow it, you ended up in the godforsaken desert with your leg bitten by a sith hound.

_ Well, fuck me, I guess.  _

“Hey, Mira, give me the crackers,” Asa said nonchalantly, turning to the redhead.

“What?” Mira managed to keep her face straight, but Atton felt a tinge of anxiety sizzling through the Force. “What are you talking about?”

“Crackers. That you snack on when no one is looking.”

“How do you...?” Mira stepped back, her eyes widening. “Are you reading my mind?”

“The Force connects and sends it’s echoes through all living creatures,” Asa said serenely, her grey robes pooling around her on red sand, “as does the ventilation system on Ebon Hawke.” 

“Wait,” Atton said, turning to Mira, “so this annoying crunchy sound was you all along?”

“What did you think it was?” Asa glanced at him and he shrugged.

“The damn droid that was trying to make me go insane with the noise?”

She laughed, and he couldn’t even bring himself to be aggravated with her, because she did this horribly unfair thing when she scrunched up her nose a bit, and it was devastatingly adorable.

“Anyway,” the Jedi said, still smiling, “give me these crackers, Mira.”

The redhead rolled her eyes and grumbled, but she reached into one of the satchels on her belt and handed Asa a small plastic bag.

“What is this thing anyway?”

“It’s tuk’ata, also known as Sith hounds. They are Force-sensitive and semi-sentient, so the Sith often train them as warbeasts. It’s also almost traditional for Sith Lords to leave them in the tombs as the guardians, as these hounds can feed off the Force and live for hundreds of years.”

Asa offered the beast a cracker. It sniffed a treat for some time and then tentatively took it from her hand, with a delicacy surprising for the long-fanged jaws.

“Good boy! Isn’t it tasty? Do you like? Do you want more? Here you go, baby boy.”

She offered it another cracker and when the dog took it, scratched it under the chin, reaching right through the tentacles. Atton and Mira exchanged disgusted glances. 

“Such a good boy! He didn’t run away when the fight started because he has a vibroblade shards in his paw, poor baby,” she kept scratching the hound under the hideous chin and it’s huge red eyes lidded over. “I need to get them out. But I can’t do it out there, I need medical equipment. We’re taking him to the ship.”

“What? You can’t take this mongrel to my ship!”

Asa looked at him and he rolled his eyes.

“Fine,  _ your  _ ship, but I’m flying and, more importantly, repairing it! Who knows how much damage this thing can cause to the systems, in addition to murdering us all in our sleep.”

“He will behave just fine, but if you’re really worried about him eating you in your sleep, Atton, you can ask T3-M4 or HK to stand guard over your bed.”

Out of all people in the galaxy he had to hopelessly fall for the last and most hunted Jedi, who also happened to be a wannabe comedian. Just his luck.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for the first time I actually want Kreia to be here, so she could lecture you about how stupid this is, because I’m out of words.”

“And yet you’ve already said so many,” Asa said with an innocent smile, feeding the hound another cracker. “You should believe in yourself more, Atton.”

He groaned, because her “Benevolent Wise Jedi” routine could be even more aggravating than Kreia’s “I’m A Sith And Everyone Here Is A Fool.” 

“I don’t get it, how do you plan on keeping it under control for days on end?” Mira asked, folding her arms. “Your Force is going to ran out at some point, right?”

“First of all, Mira, the Force can’t be “mine” or “run out”. It has no beginning or end, it flows through all the living things, and we just reach out to it. We do not consume the Force when we use it, it’s not ship’s fuel. Our ability to control it depends on how attuned to it we are and how well we can maintain our inner focus.”

“Yeah, yeah, spare me another lecture,” Mira rolled her eyes. “Does it mean you can keep it leashed with the Force the whole time? What about when you’re sleeping?”

“And secondly,” Asa continued calmly, ignoring the interruption, “I’m not holding him with the Force since he took the first cracker.”

“What?!” Atton and Mira yelped at the same time. She jumped back and he jerked forward, but the hound arched it’s back and Asa raised her hand.

“Don’t scare him, what is wrong with you two? It’s okay, baby boy, it’s fine, don’t mind them.”

“Are you seriously going to bring it to the ship without even holding it with the Force?”

“I’m not going to mind control him for so long, it’s cruel and unnecessary! He’s a good dog, Atton. Aren’t you, baby?”

“Why have you decided to bring it along in the first place?” Mira asked incredulously, which was a stupid question. Asking Asa why had she decided to save something unworthy of it was like asking why the sun was rising every morning or Ebon Hawke’s transmission lagging on every hyperspace jump. It just did. “It’s just another one of ugly monsters that attack us all the time!”

Asa sighed.

“Because he’s hurt and scared, I can’t just leave him alone there, can I? And I always try to inflict as little pain as possible, but other creatures there were trained by the Sith to resist the simplest tricks I’d normally use to make animals ignore us. And I can’t mind control all of them, especially when they’ll attack if I let them loose.”

“You don’t have responsibility to save wild and wounded beasts that tried to kill you,” Mira spit out, with a surprising edge to her voice. “You don’t owe him anything.”

Asa met her eyes and softly said.

“You don’t help anyone because you owe them. Then it’s just paying back. You help because you know how and you have strength to do it. No one can ask it of you but yourself.”

“Whatever,” Mira drawled, kicking a rock. “I don’t fucking care.”

_ Yeah, obviously _ .

Asa stood up and took a step back, waving cracker in front of the dog.

“Come here, sweetheart! Come, follow me.”

The hound flattened its ears, its long tail lashing nervously, but then it followed Asa on three legs, keeping the injured paw in the air.

“Oh, good job! You’re such a brave boy. Here, have another one.”

“Yeah, sure, I only almost got my leg chewed off and he’s the brave boy,” Atton muttered, without real rancor, and he didn’t expect her to notice, but she turned to him.

“I know. You didn’t have to do it, but you did, and I appreciate this,” Asa reached out her hand as if she was going to put it on his arm, but then she met his eyes and he must’ve shown too much, because at the last second she waved it away awkwardly. The healing Force ran through him, and the pain in his leg vanished, but he could feel the spot on his arm where her touch would’ve landed with almost physical ache. To be fair, it was not something that medipacs or the Force could fix, so he just swallowed and looked away.

“Thanks,” he said, keeping his voice level. Asa nodded curtly and walked up to Mira.

“Let me see your arm.”

“You should’ve just stuck to the blasters instead of trying to play with sabers,” Atton said and Mira flipped him off.

“But what’s the point of being a Jedi if you can’t even show off the lightsabers? Come on, you’ve gotta admit they look cool!”

When he started traveling with Asa, Atton had to still himself every time she drew a lightsaber, because his reflexes knew this low humming that went into your bones and it meant you have to get out, because if the mission was going well, the Jedi wouldn’t even know they needed it. He had to get used to holding it himself and not feeling like he just took it from some Jedi’s dead grip. After he deserted the Civil war and to this day he was waking up to nightmares where he held a lightsaber in his hand, but his skin was grey and cracked and when he drew it, the saber’s light spilled out in blotchy crimson red.

“No, I don’t think they look cool,” he snapped, and he must’ve let something raw slip into his voice, because Asa glanced back at him. He met her eyes, black and unreadably calm as deep waters, and prepared to answer her chiding with defiance, when she said.

“Well, I think you look good with them.”

Atton’s thought process screeched to a halt.

“Wait, what? You do?”

“Yes,” she said calmly and turned to the redhead like it was no big deal. “Mira, I think the problem is that you’re trying to use strength with the sabers when agility is your main asset. We will train you to fight with finesse instead of brute force.”

“Oh, you can do that?” Mira asked with excitement, but then frowned. “Wait, it’s not going to need meditations or some shit?”

“Of course it will. You’ll need forty hours of meditation and at least ten hours of inner peace and harmony.”

“That’s fine then, I’m going back to the rocket launcher.”

“Okay, I’ve healed it up, but I think you got too much shyrack’s venom from the bites. You need to visit medbay when we get back to the ship.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Well, let’s get on the move then, guys,” Asa said, beckoned the hound with another cracker and started off in the direction of the ship, Atton and Mira following behind, as usually, and his thoughts trailed off.

_ He was standing with both lightsabers drawn, looking very cool and sexy, and… _

What are the hottest ways to stand with both sabers out, but casually? It looks badass already in a battle stance, but that’s not the mood he was going for. Just standing there seemed sort of dumb.

_ He was standing with both lightsabers drawn, and one leg on a rock, half-bent, looking very cool and sexy and dynamic. Asa walked up to him, with her hair down. _

Asa always had her hair already down in his fantasies, because he loved how it looked, thick and black, with just a hint of waving, and in comparison with her elaborate hairdo it looked positively wild. The problem was that even in his own fantasies Atton couldn’t come up with a way of letting her hair out of said hairdo without ruining the mood. Sure, he could undo any armor and he would confidently put himself up against most lingeries, but he had no idea what to do with the combination of braids, beads and rings of different sizes that kept Asa’s hair up, so he just skipped this step.

_ “Atton,” Asa said. “I was fighting my attraction to you, but I can contain myself no longer. You were always so irresistibly handsome and funny, not to mention amazing with blasters, sabers, and all tech, but the way you’ve heroically let the ugly mongrel bite you just for me pushed me over the edge. I don’t care what Kreia says about you, she’s a Sith and all she does is manipulate people and snore in her “chambers”. We will throw her out of the airlock right after I’m done ravishing you.” _

He wasn’t sure if the old witch could actually reach his mind from all the way to the ship, but it was safer to count on it anyway.

_ “I want you in my life and in my bed,” Asa said, as she closed the distance between them and placed her hand on his chest. “Come here, baby.” _

_ She grabbed the lapels of his jacket and pulled him down into a passionate kiss, and he slid his fingers into her hair, and put his other hand on her waist, and... _

“Hey, Atton.” 

He almost flinched. Mira was walking next to him, wearing a grin so sleazy and underhanded, it would make a Hutt proud, clearly excited to deliver whatever shitty joke she came up with. 

“If she thinks this ugly mutt is a beautiful boy, then you really do have a chance.”

“Haha. You’ve been working on this one this whole time, didn’t you? You wouldn’t have a chance anyway!”

“Yeah, because I’m not ugly, that’s  _ the point _ .”

“Well, I for one would prefer you went all the way in pretending to be a Mandalorian and wore full body armor at all times.”

“Stop bickering, you two, you’re upsetting the pup.”

When they got to the Ebon Hawk, Atton had go take the ship off this planet, which was unfair, because now she’s going to go the medbay to that fresh-faced duplicitous princeling and he’s going to reap the benefits of a setup Atton got his leg bitten for. “Oh, what a wonderful dog, I love it, because I’m such a good, pure little Jedi,” he’s going to lie, because no one can actually like this horrendous thing. Except Asa, but she doesn’t count, and there’s no one like her in the whole galaxy, and certainly not that passive-aggressive bookworm. But she’s going to believe him, because she’s too trusting by far, and they are going to bond romantically over healing that stupid slobbering hound, and Atton will have to watch them together, because, being an absolute fool, he loved her too much to leave even then. The only consolation he could hope for was if at least Mical would get bitten too.

When he finished plotting the course, he went to the medbay just to poison the mood, even if it was probably too late. But instead of Asa and a dog there was aggravated Mira without jacket and Mical hunched over her arm.

“Hey! You can’t just barge in like that!”

“Or what, I can see you bare shoulder? What are you doing here anyway? Where’s Asa?”

“Mira needs her injured arm looked at, which is obviously a priority,” Mical said reproachfully, “so Asa took the instruments she needed and left.”

“Oh, right, you managed to get your arm bat-chewed.”

“Fuck you, you could at least pretend to not sound so joyful about it.”

“But where did Asa go?”

“I believe she took the dog to the cargo hold.”

“And you let her go alone with that beast? It’s a killer sith hound, and you just threw her out there without help?”

Mical straightened up sharply, like he was slapped, but Mira rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, Atton, you’re such a dick. Asa is better with that Force magic than all three of us, we all know she could stun or fry that mongrel with a lightning in three seconds. What would you do, stick your leg into it’s maw again?”

“Do you need me to help you with your leg, Atton?” Mical offered, having recovered enough to add his fake friendly inflection.

“No, thanks, Asa healed it  _ herself _ .”

Mira groaned loudly.

“Ugh, I’ve had enough of your catfights, get out of here, Atton!”

He flipped her off and walked out of med bay. There was no point of going to the cargo hold, because the scheme of pretending to adore the ugliest dog in the galaxy was not going to work him, and he wouldn’t stoop to trying anyway.

Before the cargo hold he slowed down to a leisurely pace and ran fingers through his hair. 

“Hey there,” he casually leaned against the doorway and grinned. “How is it going? Are you tired of this mongrel yet?”

Asa was sitting on the floor, with various tools, bucket of water, bottles of disinfects arranged neatly around and the hound laying next to her on the rag. She looked up and smiled. 

“It’s going fine, but I appreciate you coming here to help.”

“I didn’t come to help. I was just passing by. Why would I want to help this thing? It bit me. I hate it.”

Asa was nodding to him very thoughtfully and at the same time putting another cleaning cloth and disinfectants on the other side of the dog. Atton rolled his eyes, dragged himself to them and dropped down to sit on the floor.

“Ugh,  _ fine _ . If you’re going to get on my case like that. What do you need me to do?”

“We need to clean him before I can treat his paw. And heal any minor scratches along the way.”

“Great, now I’m going to get fleas.”

“We will all mourn the loss of your great hair, for sure.”

Atton looked up, raising an eyebrow, but she continued innocently. 

“And by that logic I’m going to get them no matter what. And then the entire ship will get them from me. It could be great for the crew, actually. All of us going bald, getting through it together. A unifying theme, you know.”

He rolled his eyes and chuckled, watching her hands fly over the hound’s hide.

“You’ve done this before, haven’t you?”

She glanced up at him quickly, but didn’t say anything, which for Asa was an admission enough. She was distasteful of outright lying and prefered evasion. She didn’t try to change the subject though, so Atton pressed on.

“And you said back there “So much easier with the Force,” so it was during your exile.”

She sighed, shrugging.

“Yeah, you’ve got me. There was a tomb of the Sith Lord on one of the planets I’ve been too. I found one of the hounds that fallen into a trap pit, and was wounded. So I helped her.”

“Why?”

“I just wanted to do something that felt… simple and easy, I guess.”   
“Rescuing the sith hound felt simple and easy?”

She chuckled at his incredulous tone without quite meeting his eyes.

“I mean morally. After I left, I wanted to do something that wasn’t complicated. Something obviously good that I wouldn’t have to question myself afterwards.”

“Yeah, I know that feeling,” Atton said quietly after a pause.

She finally looked up then, with a soft and regretful look of understanding. They didn’t say anything, as nothing needed to be explained there, the choices they made in the war that still haunted them, and they didn’t smile, but quiet darkness in her eyes was warm. After a moment she shook her head and grinned, just a tinge forced.

“Well, it certainly wasn't easy to actually do! These hounds respond well to the Force, but without it, I had to deal with a huge hurt animal that felt cornered and so lashed out.”

“What did you do then?”

“I brought her food and sneaked medicine into it. I talked to her, a lot, soothingly. But mostly, I just sat there and let her get used to me. It took me two days just to be able to finally touch her. I think it was useful, actually.”

“Really? Sitting in the ruins for two days, babytalking a half-feral mongrel?”

Asa chuckled.

“Well, I’m pretty good at it now, how do you think I persuade so many people to surrender?”

“So this is who we have to blame for you babytalking everyone?”

She shot him a glance from under a half layered eyelids, shrugging with one shoulder.

“Well, I’m not babytalking you, am I?”

His throat was suddenly very dry and his head very light.

“No, thank the Force.”

“Pfft. Thank me if you’re going to thank anyone.”

Atton grinned and, getting back to working on the hound, didn't notice how she grew serious. 

“No, but… You know, I was in the Order since I was four. We were raised to listen to the Force before we listened to ourselves, let alone anything else. And I trained to be a Consular, we’re supposed to be advising people… by reading them with the Force,” she drew a deep breath, less of a sigh and more of taking air before diving into water. “So, when I was cut off from it, I felt I was blinded and deafened. When I talked to people, I felt like I’m just clumsily stumbling without a clue of what I’m doing. And I realized, even though I considered myself a masterful diplomat before, I didn’t really connect or understand people, I just took the shortcuts that the Force gave me. So I had to re-learn how to communicate with people, I had to learn to listen and see. And I had to learn how to search for solutions without it too.”

He stopped cleaning and watched her, her pale profile sharp and almost haunting in cheap electric lights against the dark walls of the hold.

“If I wanted to save that hound before I lost connection to the Force, I would’ve just overridden it’s will. I wouldn’t hurt it like a Sith, but I would still… well, force it to behave.”

“But you used the Force with this hound.”

“Only to prevent him from attacking us, to calm him down enough so I could get to him. I had to show him that I won’t hurt him. The Force is good for some things, I suppose. Like the direct, quick connection.”

He shook his head, smiling.

“In the famous words of Chiasa the Exle, wisest of the Jedi and last hope of the galaxy, “The Force is good for some things, I suppose.“

“Shut up,” she laughed, devastatingly scrunching her nose again. She was generous with her smiles with everyone, but no one could make her laugh like Atton did, which was probably a stupid thing to feel proud about, but he did anyway.

“In a war, it seemed like the Force was the only thing that could make a difference,” he wouldn’t normally touch this sore subject, but she peeled his defenses enough for him to be honest. “Like it was a trump card, a cheat that could beat anything. Why wouldn’t you use it?”

Asa was quiet for some time, looking down and working on the hound. He was ready to make some joke and change the subject when she finally spoke up.

“It’s tempting to rely on the Force when making decisions, because it will offer you a solution and many of them seem so obviously right, especially in a fight. But deflecting a blaster shot is not the same as changing someone’s mind. A blaster shot can have only one trajectory, and a human heart can turn anywhere on a thousand crossroads.The solutions that the Force gives us are not necessarily the best, even if they are effective. But it is called the Force for a reason, and a violation with best intentions is still a violation.”

The memory hit him suddenly and viciously, like a shot to the back. The Jedi prying his mind open, a feeling of universal love like thousands of strings being pulled through his heart to the every living being, and how triumphant it felt to hate her despite this overwhelming will of the Force, and how liberating and powerful it was when all the strings snapped as she died, even if it left him bleeding.

It was so much worse than when he told her about his past. Maybe because he planned for it back then, prepared himself for the argument, and wasn’t caught off guard by comparing himself to the stupid hound that broke off the leash. He wanted a drink almost as badly as to hide his face in the crook of her neck and forget anything else exists for at least few minutes.

“But if the Force is not the answer, then what is?”

“I wish I could tell you, Atton,” she said with a sad, wistful smile. “I wish I knew a right answer that would work every time. But life isn’t easy like that. You have to search for it every time. Even if you decide to use the Force, the responsibility of making decision is still on you.”

He looked down to avoid her eyes, but the silence stretched between them, tangible and taut like a silver thread, so he grinned with practiced levity.

“Whoa, hold on, are you sure that’s how the Jedi training is supposed to go? I thought it was all about trusting the Force, not the other way around.”

“I’m not a Jedi, they literally threw me out!” he laughed at her indignant tone, and Asa crossed her arms, fighting a smile. “You were standing there for all eight hundred times I had to tell it to people.” 

He shook his head, still grinning, thinking they’ve changed the subject when she suddenly grew serious.

“Besides, I don’t think that’s what you need… or want,” she said quietly and looked up. “You’re there because you wanted to hold your own leash, aren’t you?”

He sucked in air through his teeth, fighting a first defensive instinct to snap back and look away.

“How do you reconcile it with yourself then? The Force?”

She bit her lip thoughtfully.

“You know, the best I could come up for myself is thinking about the Force as not of the universal truth, but as… Ah, how do I phrase it... The Force is not the answer, but a language, as it shapes both how we express ourselves and how we affect the world. But *you* have to choose the message.”

“Where are you supposed to get that message?”

She smiled with an apologetic shrug.

“Reach for your humanity.”

_ Great. And what are callous assholes like me are supposed to do? _

He finally looked away and grinned after a pause.

“I swear, it never gets old though.”

“What?”

“You telling people that you’re not a Jedi.”

She rolled her eyes with a smirk.

“No, really. You, standing there with your Jedi robes and prim posture, glowing with the Light, giving some poor sod life-changing lectures about universal good or some shit, being a textbook illustration of how people picture a Jedi, and then immediately insisting that you’re not a Jedi. The look on their faces, it never gets old.”

“Shut up, Atton,” she muttered, but fondly. From Asa it came off not as an insult, but as an admission that she had no arguments. She also never said it to anyone but Atton, which he knew he should be even less proud than making her laugh, but there was no hope for him.

They worked for few minutes in silence, and sometimes their hands brushed against each other over the dog’s scaly hide, and Atton didn’t feel anything stupidly fluttery about it at all. Then Asa straightened up and sighed.

“Okay, I’m going to look at what’s going on with his paw now, back off,” she said and took the hound’s leg in her hands. The beast immediately jerked back, growling and baring it’s teeth, it’s back arched.

“Shh, baby, it’s okay, I’m sorry, it’s okay,” Asa said soothingly, and the dog sagged down, but it’s long tail kept lashing from side to side anxiously. 

“Shit, it’s too painful for him,” the Jedi frowned and looked at Atton. “I can’t hold him while I work, I need to concentrate on the healing. Atton, I need you to help me to calm him down.”

“Are you kidding? I don’t know how.”

“Remember I taught you how to make animals ignore you? Something like this. Just reach out to him, and give him the sense of reassurance and calm.”

“I’m literally the worst man in the galaxy for this.”

“Listen, I understand that you’ve never been calm in your entire life, but you just need to let him know we wish him good and that he doesn’t have to be afraid.”

“I don’t wish him good. I wish him off my ship.”

She looked him square in the eyes, her dark eyes tired and kind and patient, which was unfair to begin with, and said quietly.

“Atton, please just try it. For me.”

_ Way to twist a knife. _

He sighed and turned to the hound, reaching out with the Force. It’s mind was both sharp-edged and tender, like long fangs dripping with its own blood, hurt more by the fact that Asa was harming it than by the actual pain. It felt scared and cornered, betrayed by that human it trusted, but not surprised, just hopeless and without ways to escape. Atton could feel the headache building just from being near it.

_ Okay, but how the fuck  _ **_do_ ** _ you calm that thing down? _

He concentrated on the flow of the Force and it answered eagerly, a flickering torch light showing the pathways in the dark cavern. He could isolate the pain, coax it in layers of serenity so the hound would feel, but not understand it. But it felt... wrong somehow, not just a trick, but a dirty lie, a two-faced duplicity that he despised in the Jedi Order. This blade had the other side, of course. He could just force the hound to sit still, bend it’s will long enough for Asa to finish the job. He followed Revan once for the unflinching honesty of this path, willingness to do what it takes.

But he was by Asa’s side now, and he watched her move through the world, soft and silver-clear like starlight, and honesty he admired before felt like cruelty in the glow of her kindness. But what could he choose besides Jedi’s numbing lies or self-assured effectiveness of the Dark?

“Promise me that you won’t read my thoughts right now.”

“I’m never reading your thoughts. Or anyone else’s, I’ve already told you that,” Asa rolled her eyes. “I heard yours one time when Kreia was teaching me, and it was about counting cards, and I apologized.”

It was true, she did tell him about it without a prompt and apologized, and since he learned to use the Force, he could feel Kreia’s shadow over his mind, but never Asa’s. But there was a small voice in his head, cynical and rat-like, the worst part of him that he still couldn’t ignore because it helped him survive among the Sith. And it whispered that maybe she admitted the first, most harmless case precisely to ease his suspicion, and that Kreia didn’t care to hide her presence, and he just might not be strong enough to detect Asa’s if she didn’t want to be felt. And Asa had a good pazaak face, but not perfect, so he was pretty sure she would betray  _ some  _ reaction to reading his fantasies, but there was always a possibility that she was just *that* good.

“Just promise me.”

She frowned and folded her arms, so he thought she will take a stand on this, but after a second she rolled her eyes.

“Fine, I promise. I might as well promise to not walk on water or turn it into wine, since I’m not doing it either.”

It wasn’t good enough for the crawling voice, of course, as she could lie, but he knew that nothing could really be. Even if in all the time he followed her he never once saw her break her word, not even to her enemies, he could always find a case for suspicion, no matter how sincere she seemed and how good the proof was. He hated himself for looking at her with the eyes of this thing, like spilling blood into a clean water or seeing the night stars through the dirty glass.

“I don’t know how helpful your favorite erotic holovids will be in calming the dog, though,” she said, still caustic, and he couldn’t help a smile.

“Don’t worry, the swaying of the cantina dancers can be very relaxing. It’s the gyrating.”

“Well, you’re the expert.”

Atton glanced at her one last time and turned to the hound, touching it’s mind, sharp-toothed, bleeding with nervous suspicion and pain. He sighed and reached for his humanity.

_ Listen, you mongrel, I’m not going to pretend that I like you, but I’m trying to help you. Most importantly,  _ **_she’s_ ** _ trying to help you. It’s going to hurt at first, but you have to let her do it. If you want to survive, - and since you’ve managed to keep yourself alive for so long in that wretched dust pile of a planet I know you want to survive, - you have to trust her. What else do you want, go back to the desert and limp around, gnawing on rocks for the rest of your life? If there’s a future worth having, then she is the answer, and if she’s wrong, then there’s no point in even trying _

The hound held his gaze for a long moment when he thought it’s going to attack, but then it sagged quietly on the floor and closed its eyes. 

“It’s okay baby boy, I’m going to touch your paw now, don’t be scared, sweetheart,” Asa cooed, reaching out for the hideous claw. The dog didn’t fight her when she took it in her hands, only sighed heavily.

“Well done, Atton,” she looked up at him with a smile, sweet and proud and a little amused, like she knew he’ll succeed despite his protests. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, it’s whatever, I don’t care, I mean, it wasn’t hard or anything, it’s just ugly,” Atton heard himself say, horrified, but unable to do anything about it, like someone jabbed an electric spike into a place in his brain that forced talking. “I just didn’t want it to bite you. I mean not you, I don’t care if it bites you, but I didn’t want it to bite the ship.”

_ Fuck, I wish Kreia would just telepathically kill me right now and end this. Bite the ship, what the hell, man. _

Asa snorted, rolling her eyes, and hunched over the hound’s paw.

“You don’t have to make excuses for helping a dog, Atton.”

_ Helping a dog, yeah, let’s leave it at that. _

“I’m worried it’d go against my hard and masculine reputation,” he said with an exaggerated roughness, having gotten back control over his speech functions.“Babytalking some ugly mutts with goody two shoes Jedi will get me laughed out of any self-respecting cantina.”

“It’s a Sith warhound, though,” she glanced at him, trying to look innocently serious, but sparkling in her dark eyes gave her away. “Babytalking warhounds should be masculine enough for impressing the girls.”

“I don’t know, sounds like something only a Jedi would say,” he drawled, seeing her lips curl in an involuntary smirk and slipping into a grin himself, “Now, if I could say I’ve arm-wrestled that thing...”

She finally laughed at that, and he watched with a satisfied grin how that lovely amused smirk stayed on her lips as she worked.

When Asa did something especially painful, the hound would flinch, and Atton strengthened his presence in it’s mind. The dog sighed heavily and pressed it’s head against his hip.

“You can reach under the horns and the crest, there’s soft skin there.”

“Why would I do that?”

“To pet him. He likes scratching.”

“Why would I want to pet this hideous mongrel? I can barely stand it’s stench as is.”

“Okay, sure.”

“And these spikes would take off my fingers.”

“It was just a suggestion, Atton.”

“You shouldn’t suggest to maim your pilot’s fingers. I need them to fly the ship.”

“My bad.”

The hound flinched against his leg with a barely audible whine. Atton sighed deeply, rolled his eyes and reached under the hard crest to the dog’s exposed neck. 

“You think this is soft? It’s tougher than bantha’s ass!”

Asa visibly struggled to keep her smile demure.

“Uh-hu. I mean, I wouldn’t know, I never really petted bantha’s ass, but I trust your expertise.’

“Haha. I’m the Exile and I’m going to manipulate you into coddling a horrendous beast and then mock you for it, while pretending I’m complimenting you.”

“Ah yes, all the devious mind games I played to make you pet a dog.”

“Exactly. This is why no one likes Jedi.”

“First of all, I thought we’ve established I’m not a Jedi.”

“And Kreia keeps saying she is not a Sith.”

“She’s not. At least, not presently.”

“Yeah. Our favorite comedic duo, “Not a Jedi and Not a Sith.”

”Shut up, Atton,” she laughed, scrunching up her nose. He couldn’t contain a wave of adoration as it went through the Force connection to the hound. It licked his hand and put it’s head on his thigh. 

_ It’s not for you, you spiky idiot. _

The dog sighed with content, with it’s red eyes half-lidded over.

“Asa, I think this thing is drooling on me.”

“He’s a dog. That happens.”

“You mean I have to sit there while it drools on me?”

“They will sing ballads about your bravery and perseverance, for sure,” Asa shot him a sidelong glance that had a promise of sparks in it, and Atton could never resist baiting her.

“It’ll ruin my pants!”

She looked up, raising an eyebrow with a devilish smirk. 

“Maybe that will finally inspire you to wash them.”

“Ouch. Who’s going to operate me on that backstab?”

“Maybe Mical after he’s dealt with Mira. Okay, I think we’re done,” Asa said, letting go of the dog’s paw. It lifted it’s head from Atton’s thigh and the Jedi scratched it under the jaw. “It’s going to be okay now, you did so good, baby boy.”

“Yeah, didn’t bite me even once this time, a terrific job,” Atton muttered, standing up. He walked over to Asa and offered her a hand without thinking about. She looked up and suddenly it seemed like a bad idea, and he didn’t even know what could go wrong. But she already took his hand and he pulled her up too sharply, she stumbled forward and instead of letting her fall on his chest, like an idiot he counter-balanced and kept her up.

“Thanks,” she said with a small smile, entirely too close. It wasn’t that Atton didn’t trust her with his heart. He trusted her with his soul, and it was much more dangerous. It was that his heart was an ugly, wretched thing and he didn’t want to saddle her with it on top of all the burdens that she already carried.

“No problem,” he managed to croak out. He knew he should’ve let her hand go already, but he just absolutely fucking couldn’t stop clenching it next to his chest. It was better for everyone involved, including the galaxy’s fate, if she didn’t love him. So it was a testament to his selfishness of how ferociously he wanted her to. 

“And for helping with a dog,” she ran a thumb over his knuckles and he didn’t know whether she really held his gaze for a moment too long before stepping away, or this second just felt like eternity for him. “I’m going to go get him some food.”

Atton took a couple of steps after her into the doorway by inertia, and had to force himself to stop and be silent. When she passed the corner, he took a deep breath and then saw Mira walking down the other side of the corridor.

“How is the mongrel? Is Asa done? Did you have to put it down?”

“No, it’s fine. Asa has...”

“Ugh, Atton, what the fuck!”

He looked down to where she was staring with disgust to see a wet spot on his inner thigh.

“It’s a drool!”

“How does that makes it better? Jeez, I have no idea what she sees in you.”

“It’s a *dog’s* drool! It drooled there when I was helping to calm it down!”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You know what, just fuck off,” he turned his back to her and started walking. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. Go choke on a cracker.”

Mira didn’t answer, but after a second he heard a loud crunchy chewing behind his back and rolled his eyes. It took a couple of steps for a sudden thought to hit him, and he looked back.

“Wait, you don’t know what she sees in me? Why do you think that she does?”

“You just told me to fuck off.”

“Asa said something, hadn’t she?”

“Only that you suck.”

“Mira, get back! What did she say? Mira!”


End file.
